محادثة نظرية الانفجار العظيم

To Tim, and all 1.5-2 of the rest of you who have (probably not) wondered why my appearances on this board are sporadic these days, I would like to share my latest cause. After approximately 30 adult years of escalator terror, I have decided to follow my passion and have escalators wider than 2 feet across and 8 feet high banned. For the remaining smaller models, seats with seatbelts will be installed within a fall-resistant plexiglass (also helpful in preventing COVID!) chamber every 4 steps. When one is ready to board the mini-escalator they will simply push a button to stop it, enter the chamber, strap in, close the door and then push the button again to ascend. One additional feature of the new escalators will be leather straps affixed to each stair, so should one collapse and fall out of their chamber, they can still grab hold of the strap for dear life before plunging to their death. Firefighter trampoline-air bags will also be installed at the base of all models.

For those who scoff at this option, shopping malls, metro stations and airports everywhere will offer one alternate means of ascension: the Alpine Yodel-Staircase. In this case, you may take a specially-designed set of stairs, complete with snow-covered alpine back-drop, lederhosen (which must be donned to use this means) and piped-in "Price is Right Mountain-Climber game" yodel-music.

Friends, in this day and age when people are free to speak their minds, there is no reason we have to continue living like this. There is no reason we should have our shopping trips and travel marred by the knowledge of any upcoming brush with a staircase of death. Please join my movement at www.you'lldieifyourideanescalator.com or donate to my GoFundMe page. I accept small bills.

One last request (and yes, I know long message board posts aren't popular but it's already too long so too late now). I'm still in the elevator re-design phase of this project. Please feel free to submit your suggestions for additions to the traditional elevator to draw more people into them as well. Together we can stop this horror.

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But where do the plexiglass chambers go when they get to the top, and where do the new ones come from at the bottom? They can't just appear from the floor at the bottom, and disappear back into the floor at the top...

So obviously this is a make-work scheme for the union members who will be at the top (or bottom, as the case may be) of each escalator, detaching the "used" plexiglass chambers, carrying them down (or up) a regular stairway or elevator, and re-attaching them at the bottom (or top).

One thing for sure, escalator travel sure got a lot slower and more leisurely!

@Knixon said:

But where do the plexiglass chambers go when they get to the top, and where do the new ones come from at the bottom? They can't just appear from the floor at the bottom, and disappear back into the floor at the top...

So obviously this is a make-work scheme for the union members who will be at the top (or bottom, as the case may be) of each escalator, detaching the "used" plexiglass chambers, carrying them down (or up) a regular stairway or elevator, and re-attaching them at the bottom (or top).

One thing for sure, escalator travel sure got a lot slower and more leisurely!

You see, this is why I shared my plans- to have others help me troubleshoot for flaws. This is an easy fix. There will now be only one chamber at the bottom. One will ascend in it, get out and step off, and then the escalator will move in reverse bringing the chamber back down to the bottom. You may say that this will slow things down as only one person can ascend every 1-2 minutes, but then again, who in their right mind wants to ride an escalator anyway?

Problem solved.

Or, just build 2 or 3 elevators in the same space. Problem solved even better!

@Knixon said:

Or, just build 2 or 3 elevators in the same space. Problem solved even better!

First Knixon, I am going to gleefully take a page out of your book and point out that you used the word elevator above and we are talking about escalators. Let's not confuse the enclosed boxes of safety with the open-air moving staircases of death.

Second, we don't want to solve our escalator problem by building more escalators. Let's help control the escalator population. Get your escalator spayed or neutered.

I said elevators, and I meant elevators. Remove the escalators which you hate anyway, and which become essentially useless if modified the way you propose; and replace them with elevators that you're okay with. In the floor space taken by an escalator, it should be possible to build at least 2 or 3 elevators.

@Knixon said:

I said elevators, and I meant elevators. Remove the escalators which you hate anyway, and which become essentially useless if modified the way you propose; and replace them with elevators that you're okay with. In the floor space taken by an escalator, it should be possible to build at least 2 or 3 elevators.

Well that was a sassy first sentence!

By keeping escalators, I was trying to offer a compromise to that portion of the population who pride themselves on being thrill-seekers. The skateboard in concrete tube riders, the airplane boarders, the tidal wave surfers and the escalator riders.

But your escalators would have no thrills.

By the way, if your opposition to escalators is total, then your name is correct. But if your concern is more with the way escalators move, then you need to start the Stop the Escalators Movement Movement.

@Knixon said:

But your escalators would have no thrills.

By the way, if your opposition to escalators is total, then your name is correct. But if your concern is more with the way escalators move, then you need to start the Stop the Escalators Movement Movement.

At this point I feel the need to distract you from the original topic. What is your opinion of ducks?

@Knixon said:

But where do the plexiglass chambers go when they get to the top, and where do the new ones come from at the bottom? They can't just appear from the floor at the bottom, and disappear back into the floor at the top...


Although plexiglass are far less harmful than poor quality plastic products that can severely damage the environment, they are still not environmentally friendly. If one is to go global with this type of construction one must consider the material used and its impact on the environment, and look for Eco-Friendly Alternatives to Acrylic (Plexiglass).

@wonder2wonder said:

@Knixon said:

But where do the plexiglass chambers go when they get to the top, and where do the new ones come from at the bottom? They can't just appear from the floor at the bottom, and disappear back into the floor at the top...


Although plexiglass are far less harmful than poor quality plastic products that can severely damage the environment, they are still not environmentally friendly. If one is to go global with this type of construction one must consider the material used and its impact on the environment, and look for Eco-Friendly Alternatives to Acrylic (Plexiglass).

I did not consider the negative environmental effects of my plan. All right fine. We'll scrap escalators all together (recycling the metal into more useful and safe things like elevator parts) and only use stairs and elevators. To appease those who will be angered by the removal of escalators we'll set up melted cheese stands in their place. If there is someone out there who doesn't like melted cheese, that's their own problem.

After listening to all of this babble I feel a voice of reason is needed.

Let me know if you hear one.

But as a person who believes that Escalator Lives Matter, I cannot in good conscious agree to the elimination of the species. I suggest this: make the stairs of escalators large enough to accommodate a small room. One simply steps into the room in perfect safety and you are whisked to the next floor. It could be called a diagonal elevator.

@Tim-Buktu said:

After listening to all of this babble I feel a voice of reason is needed.

Let me know if you hear one.

But as a person who believes that Escalator Lives Matter, I cannot in good conscious agree to the elimination of the species. I suggest this: make the stairs of escalators large enough to accommodate a small room. One simply steps into the room in perfect safety and you are whisked to the next floor. It could be called a diagonal elevator.

At last. I feared you had gotten so tied up in your Save the Cocoa Trees Movement that you would not be able to weigh in here.

Would I be able to ride in that room with you?

@Lemons said:

@Tim-Buktu said:

After listening to all of this babble I feel a voice of reason is needed.

Let me know if you hear one.

But as a person who believes that Escalator Lives Matter, I cannot in good conscious agree to the elimination of the species. I suggest this: make the stairs of escalators large enough to accommodate a small room. One simply steps into the room in perfect safety and you are whisked to the next floor. It could be called a diagonal elevator.

At last. I feared you had gotten so tied up in your Save the Cocoa Trees Movement that you would not be able to weigh in here.

Would I be able to ride in that room with you?

I'm not sure. When I ride the escalator, I like to stand on those rubber strips on either side of the stairs.

@Lemons said:

To appease those who will be angered by the removal of escalators we'll set up melted cheese stands in their place. If there is someone out there who doesn't like melted cheese, that's their own problem.


That will help to attract and reduce the male population.

"The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup. He'll die at fifty, but his love will be true."

@wonder2wonder said:

@Lemons said:

To appease those who will be angered by the removal of escalators we'll set up melted cheese stands in their place. If there is someone out there who doesn't like melted cheese, that's their own problem.


That will help to attract and reduce the male population.

"The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup. He'll die at fifty, but his love will be true."

Thankfully, now that they will be forced to take the steps more often, their hearts should stay in good shape.

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