Doug (to Jim): Jim, can I pretend to be something else than a doctor on this mission?

Jim: Why?

Doug: Because I'm tired of pretending to be a doctor.

Jim: But Doug, you ARE a doctor!

Doug: I know, but this time I'd like to pretend that I'm a maintenance man.

Barney to Jim: I really don't know anything about electronics.

Jim (to the rest of the team): "Barney won't be participating in this mission because he's on a separate mission in Japan, so guest agent Luther will be filling in for him."

Jim (to The Secretary, who has unexpectedly shown up at the mission briefing): "Mr. Secretary, we weren't expecting you at the mission briefing!"

The Secretary: "No one expects me at the mission briefings!"

Jim: "Paris, before you can join the team, you must do something about your ears."

Willie (to Jim or Dan): "So when do I get to pretend that I'm Hercules on an upcoming mission?"

Dana: "Have you guys seen my new car yet? It's shaped like a carriage and pulled by 2 horses named Rogers and Hammerstein."

@mechajutaro She does. I remember when her husband at the time, Jon Peters, a famous at the time hairdresser, left Lesley Warren for Barbra Peters.

@mechajutaro : I meant to say Barbra Streisand.

Willie: "When do I get to go pick up the mission briefing tape?"

Jim (on the phone to The Secretary): "Can't Cinnamon get and listen to the mission briefing tape and then give the team mission briefing? I've got a very hot date tonight."

Terry Tarlo:"It feels strange to be a safe cracker that's now working as an American Intelligence agent, but whatever floats your boat, Dan."

Tracey (during a season four mission briefing): "Jim, can I wear a black sparkly catsuit with a tail and cat ears as a disguise for this mission?"

Jim (during a season 2 or 3 mission briefing): "Okay everybody, Rollin's going to give the mission briefing and lead the mission because I'm going on my first date in 10 years."