Christopher Columbus returns home to discover that half of Spain is now ruled by Arabs, and the T'ang Dynasty attempts to break up China into a Federation of non-hierarchical eco hamlets, as Rob Newman's comic reverse history lesson continues.

The plague warden cries "bring out your dead!" but, after burying 20,000 Londoners in a pit, he announces that from now on he will only do fortnightly collections – every other Monday. He also insists that the dead are stacked out for him on the pavement, otherwise – forget it.

Sir Francis Drake brings medal glory to England in the modern triathlon: bowls, sailing and cycling. This makes some people nostalgic for the Olympic Games which were stopped centuries ago in 1908, as they had become too demoralising. Every year competitors were running slower, jumping lower and throwing shorter.

The Gupta dynasty in Patna, during the rule of Chandragupta, pride themselves on being the last society still to use and understand the number zero.

And there are increasing prophesies that in the year zero, when the clocks go forward, there will arrive in Bethlehem a Messiah with a popular Latino name.