Hello, I am Hussein, and this is my family, the Husseins! This is a very big day for us. We have experienced a loss… but I negotiated a very cheap burial price! Go me. Tomorrow is already looking better!

Look how many candles we have! We are the most sad AND the least scary! There is nothing hidden in my halal cart. Trust us. Now.

The government has created a new secret spy program called See Something Say Something! But you can't see something if we are nothing!

Mona, this is a very important phone call. We are speaking to our relatives in Egypt. This is a very expensive call, but of course I got us a phone card that is very cheap. It is very important that you make our move across the world seem worth it. Make us look good! Now.

Hateful, but helpful. The best hate crime I have ever seen. I love this country.

The school election is just as important as the presidential election and only one of them is rigged. Soon my daughter will run the world! While my son wastes away. Inshallah.

Rumi, once they grow down there, they leave your head. I’m sorry son. It’s time for you to grow up. You will be a bald man by high school.