If your picture’s a selfie it looks like you don’t have friends.

Pretty much exactly as awesome as it sounds.

The twirling spaghetti fork pairs exceptionally well with the wine purse.

Shirtless bro pics are always a red herring.

Don’t forget: this will still be a destructive, constantly shitting nightmare.

Everyone knows the pants wiener is inflated by massaging on the private areas.

Don’t worry – it’s so easy, there’s literally no reason not to do it, you entitled piece of sh*t.

The truth is powerful, and it takes constant vigilance to drown out that truth with noise.

A party guest most foul.

Just like the momentary distraction your mom used to make!

When it comes to make-up, less is muhhrrrrrrrg.

Audition? What’s that, some sort of exciting new Ford truck model?

Doing your taxes is easy if you make stuff up.

Legend has it people used to tweet tiny, comical stories, known colloquially as “jokes” or “goofs”.

I told you “Kazaam” was a different movie!

You can’t handle the merch booth.

I’ll have the “corking fee”.

Take that, student loans!

Oh, a problem with my account? Well, prepare for a tantrum that blames you personally.

It’s healthier to cook for yourself! Right?

Boy meets grill.

What’s a couple hours of sleep every night for love?

Why don’t we both get something, and we can share?

Dream Phone was SO heteronormative.

Oh, yeah, fit that injured puppy with a lil’ prosthetic leg.

He eats lighters.

Is this blackmailer’s evidence of you looking fucking hot or committing a crime?

Ok, they’re gay. Now, for a super chill, totally laid-back way to just like CASUALLY hint that you are too or whatever.

New from Chompsky’s: All the shameful self-hatred of eating peanut butter with a spoon, in the convenience of a potato chip!

Sure, it’s a little messy, but there are so many places to ash!